May 13th, 2007
The Raptor launched this website, one of the first orders of business was
to find some of the iconic images that helped create The Raptor
and post them so that the intrepid browser could experience what
C is an anthology that was originally posted in a Raptor Fav of
the 70's & 80's, The National Lampoon. The
Lampoon was extremely popular with the college crowd back then and
it's brand of humor could sometimes verge on sick. Hence,
here submitted for your approval is the complete series.
the spirit of the original, in which each chapter was published
monthly, the 20 chapters will be published once per week.
This should piss every one off royally.
anthology stands on it's own merits and The Raptor would like to apologize
in advance to The National Lampoon and the series creator, Charles
Rodrigues. I have no doubt that somehow this infringes on
some copyright and there is nothing I can do about it.
|| There isn't much happening in this piece. The
Raptor thinks that the cat in the crib bit is somewhat sick,
especially since the cat looks like a pig. In addition, Dierdre
utters the statement "Hey, your fingers stink!"
which is mildly funny.
||The recap panel has the captions: Dierdre -
Ugly! & Blind Bob - Blind! - That's funny. The
Raptor also enjoys the panel where Dierdre says "I
you'd die, Blind Bob!" with the ultra cool clenched
||Once the plastic surgeon opens Dierdre's
bandages from the second surgery, he cries out "Holy
Shit!" and the image is blocked out with the
statement, "Too Hideous For
Publication!"...Blind Bob then feels Dierdre's face
and also cries out "Holy Shit!"...Dierdre then
utters "Hey, your fingers stink!"...again.
Finally, the now dead plastic surgeon utters
"Continued" which is funny.
||Chapter 4 is interesting because it
reintroduces Dierdre's mother, who decides to try and benefit
from Dierdre's ugliness. During the telecast where Mrs.
Callahan learns of Dierdre's ugliness, the newscaster
states the Dierdre has "a sort of head" which is
mildly funny. The Raptor also likes the way the
artist, Rodriguez draws the suicide of the arrogant cop
and Blind Bob's gun shot wound to the head! Good
||The Raptor likes it when Blind Bob returns
to the dump and opens what appears to be an outhouse door
to thank Dierdre...then has his eyes burned out...it's
also funny when the doctor says..."when will people
learn never to stare into an arc welder."
||This is a Raptor fav. First, when the
masked men appear, Blind Bob is seen stammering "Who
are - What do - When did - Where is - Why can't?" -
which is funny. Then Dierdre says " I hate you
and I'm glad your blind!" Once the masked men take
Dierdre to their apartment there is a pane in which one of
the masked men says..."Here ya go Mrs.
Guincho...cocked and ready to fire!" The look
of fear as Mrs. Guincho sees Dierdre's hideous face is
priceless. Finally, the acronym for the masked men's
group is "OO-LA-LA" which is funny.
||This week's chapter is yet another Raptor
Fav. First, the leader of OO-LA-LA, Ernesto, morphs
from Major to Colonel to General to Field Marshall and his
assistant, Raoul, morphs from Private to Corporal.
After OO-LA-LA gives their demands to the White House, an
aide to he President calls back and says "Go Defecate!".
What makes this funny is that the artist inserts a
footnote to defecate in which the word "shit" is
written out. Any time "shit" happens it's
funny and this is no exception. Dierdre once again
says "Hey, your fingers stink!" which is
funny. When OO-LA-LA starts the microwave
transmission of Dierdre's ugliness, it interrupts the
network program to which a viewer yells "Hey, ya
bastids! Put Gilligan's Island back on!" This
is really funny. Finally, the narrator to this story
says: :That's right...OO-LA-LA's evil plan is foiled
thanks to Rodrigues, who writes this exciting
story.: This is funny.
||In this chapter, Dierdre once again
says..."Hay, your fingers stink!" The CIA
agent whose name is White is black and vice versa.
CIA agent Black apparently hates CIA agent White and
through clenched teeth says..."accursed affirmative
action". Then Dierdre says "See what you've
done Blind Bob!...I'm glad your blind so you can't watch
TV ever...so long as you live!" Finally, as the
CIA agents are leaving with Dierdre, the KGB agents,
Kornilov and Litvinov show up and put the block on White
the black and Black the white.
||This chapter is a another show
stopper. In the previous episode, the secret agent
club was introduced including Black and White from the CIA
and Kornilov and Litvinov from the KGB. In this
chapter, we meet Diggle and Hirt of MI6, Hohenzollern and
Feldspar of East Germany, Crepeau and Moresby of Canadian
Intelligence and Satiago and Vega of Cuba. Then
Diggle and Hirt are reintroduced which causes Dierdre to
state: "You mixed up the whole story...I hate you,
you dirty blind man!" Dierdre also exhibits the
classic three finger clenched fist, which is cool!
||This chapter always gets a
laugh...especially when I read it!...Its funny when
Dierdre says. "I'm glad your blind and I hope
you trip and break both your"...to which the next
team says "wrists" and it turns out to be Bruce
and Dominic of the San Francisco Secret Police. I
laugh until I stop!
||In frame one of this chapter, the CIA
Director is smaller than his phone...this is kind of
creepy. When Dierdre asks for another chocolate
thick shake, Dr Lev instructs Agent White to bring him one
too. He also calls him "boy". Dr.
Lev states that..."we don't call our darkies
"Boy" any longer." Anybody who knows
the Raptor now knows where the term, "darkies"
came form. Later on, it is stated that Dr. Lev's
laboratory was made possible by a grant from Exxon.
Dr. Lev asks Dr. Alvarez to add 100cc of "starfish
pee" to the serum. Finally after Dr. Lev
injects himself with the serum, he believes that Dierdre
is beautiful and that Dr, Alvaez is ugly, so he shoots Dr.
Alvarez while Dierdre asks for another chocolate thick
||After a series of laughers and show
stoppers, the story turns a little melancholy. A
mystery man asks a doctor for a prognosis to which the
doctor replies "A week...etc...Four and a half
weeks...etc..It's hard to say." We find out the
dying man is Dierdre's father. In return for a weeks
supply of chocolate thick shakes, the CIA and Dierdre
agree to see him. Upon seeing Dierdre's hideous
face, the father dies a horrible agonizing death and his
stool turns to stone, which Dr. LeBlang thinks will make a
nice paper weight. This is really funny...in a melancholy
||Quentin Kelp places a newspaper ad which is
seen by billionaire J. Pierpont Cassaba. Kelp states
that he will stare at Dierdre for one minute for
Cassaba's attorney arranges for the meeting and
promises " two super king size jumbo chocolate thick
As the meeting is about to commence Cassaba chuckles to
himself because he knows the gun isn't loaded - this is
||In this chapter, Quentin Kelp sees Dierdre's
ugliness and states that "it's not possible that
anything can be so hideous". Grasping the
handgun, Quentin tries to shoot himself in the head but to
no avail since the gun isn't loaded.
Then, in a dream Quentin's wife pleads with him not to
"soil" his underwear...this causes Quentin to
crap his pants...which is really funny. After that
as the one minute ends, which means Quentin will get
$100,000.00...his eyeballs fall out of his sockets which
Finally, Quentin's wife advises the readers to make
sure to get yearly eye exams...even if the doctor puts his
hand on your knee..it doesn't get any better
||In this chapter we are introduced to garbage
truck driver, Guido Santangelo. After Guido sees Dierdre at the
Dump, he tells his wife about her ugliness. Guido's
wife becomes so despondent over the tale that she kills
herself, even though she didn't directly see Dierdre.
Then, Guido leaves the house to get a nightcap and
tells his tale to the bartender who also kills himself.
We are left to wonder if Guido is a "carrier"
and why wasn't he affected by Dierdre's ugliness.
||In this chapter, Guido denies having
anything to do with his wife's death. One of the
arresting officers is apparently a creep since he is
prepared to shoot Guido on sight and then fantasizes about
the nice legs on the corpse.
The police try every conceivable tactic to get Guido to
admit to the killing of his wife. This includes
plans...music...whatever the charge, Guido denies it.
Meanwhile, back at the dump, Blind Bob is telling
Dierdre sick stories about the dump and the author is
still wondering why Guido had no ill effects from seeing
||This chapter has always been a Raptor
The cop in charge of the Guido Santangelo murder
investigation is interviewing the county coroner.
The coroner...Dr. Gucci states that he was typing the
autopsy when a couple of duodenums got caught in the keys
and jammed it up....then the coroner spends considerable
time grossing out the police captain with the procedures
he used in Mrs. Santangelo's autopsy. This is all very
sick but very funny.
The coroner has determined that the cause of death was
asthma...the cop goes to tell Guido the good news only to
find that Guido has hanged himself in his cell...Meanwhile
Blind Bob is still regaling Dierdre with tales of exciting
and disgusting moments from the dump.
||In this chapter, Dierdre gets hit by a
garbage truck at the dump and is taken to the
hospital. Blind Bob..who is blind...goes into what
he thinks is Dierdre's room and feels here face which he
thinks has been surgically repaired to make it soft as a
baby's bottom...the doctor, laughing hysterically then
reveals that Blind Bob was actually feeling Mrs.
Winograd's hemorrhoids...This is extremely funny
||In this chapter, Blind Bob creates a furory
when Dr. Thyme laughs out loud over the hilarity of
comparing Ruth Winograd's hemorrhoids to Deirdre's hideous
face. This prompts Mr. Winograd to sue Dr. Thyme for
$500.00 for "defamation of private parts, derision of
an anal area and slander."...This is mildly funny.
We also learn that Blind Bob's actual name us Blind
Alfred Woodrow Wilson Bob.
During the court proceeding, the slime ball attorney,
Vargas, introduces a picture of Mrs. Winograd's hemorrhoids
which both the judge and defense attorney drool
over. Vargas also refers to the hemorrhoids as
having "a certain voluptuous quality...not unlike a
cluster of grapes in the August sun." This is
||In this chapter, slime ball lawyer Vargas
asks the judge to feel Dierdre's face while it is under a
cheesecloth mask...the verdict...it feels like an
elephant's knee. Attorney Vargas thinks it feels
like an elephants ear...the defense attorney thinks it
feels like an elephant's tail while the bailiff believes
it feels like an elephant's belly.
Finally, the judge asks Blind Bob to weigh in.
Blind Bob who has on occasion stated that these fingers
don't lie...laughs hysterically and states for the record
that he can't be fooled...he is feeling Mrs. Winograd's hemorrhoids!...End
||Well, there it is boys and girls...the
end...However, The Raptor, not being an analyst asks these
First, why the introduction of the elephant?
Second, even though the story ends abruptly, is there
perhaps more? The Raptor has always wondered about
The Raptor hopes you have enjoyed this trip down memory